Transference!

Now that I have mailed off my final manuscript to the publisher for my relationship-guide for men, I spent most of yesterday continuing to work on my rewrite for my novel.  It amazes me how feelings about a situation can stay with someone for such a long time.  As a professional counselor for many years, I thought I possessed the tools to handle my emotions better and put an end to feeling so hurt and grief-stricken.  My novel, for those who don't know, has many elements that I actually experienced a few years ago.  Though I have written it in a ficitonal manner, the thoughts and feelings of the event still haunt me even as I rewrite them. 

Initially, I wrote the novel as a method to vent my anger and sadness.  That was more than two-and-a-half years ago.  When I was finished the first time, I printed one copy and stored it away, not to be looked at again.  However, I couldn't get it off of my mind because I believe it is a really good story.  When I pulled it down from the shelf recently, to rewrite it, I felt emotionally ready to handle it, so I thought.  For the first three-hundred pages, I was able to manage the rewrite just fine.  I have healed a lot over the past couple of years and approached the rewrite from a writer's point of view and not as an actual character of the book.  However, yesterday, I could feel my emotions building inside of me as I wrote through the storm of that all too familiar event.  By the end of the day, I was upset, frustrated, angry, and needed to shut-down my computer and walk away from it.  I proceeded to go to the gym and workout to help relieve my emotions but found that my body was responding to them with exhaustion.  Though I completed a workout, it was a light one, far different from my normal weight-lifting routine.  When I left the gym, I felt good and relaxed which surprised me even more. 

Today, it was my goal to go back into my novel, as I am a mere ninety pages from completing the rewrite, but I could sense my anxiety rise just from thinking about it.  It was a traumatic time for me when the event actually occurred.  Though I added in many fictional scenes, the particular point of the book that I will have to face is, and was, the most difficult time of my life.  I think it will be best to give myself one more day before I go back in and face my greatest emotional challenge.  It is important to listen to your body!