Opening the Windows!

Today, the day after Halloween, was a bit of a recovery day.  My body struggled to recooperate from last night's binge of halloween costumes and dark ales.  The apartment was filled with opression and sadness, so it seemed, and I felt ironed onto my sofa.  Thick and invisible weights rested upon my chest, matting me deeper into the cushions.  The only part of my body that I felt comfortable enough to move was my thumb and only to select a different channel on the remote.  Something had to change so I closed my eyes and napped for two hours.  Oh what a relief that was.  When I woke, I immediately opened the windows and new, fresh air filtered in through the screens.  Its cool feel quickly replaced the iron's steaminess and the energy in my thumbs began spreading into my fingers as well. 

Sometimes, we just need to take a break and give our bodies ample time to rest.  Writing, though exciting and adventurous, can be stressful.  As I sit at my desk for long hours I can feel the tension in certain parts of my body but often neglect my physical needs and direct my attention to mending my stories.  Now that I am rested and feeling alive, t is time to write again and that is exciting!

The Unexpected!

For the past three days I have been working hard at rewriting my novel from two and a half years ago.  At first, I didn't want to do it and actually had stuffed it away in a bag just so I wouldn't see it sitting there, beckoning for my attention.  I knew that editing would be a daunting task but I also knew it needed a thorough rewrite and I wasn't sure that I was ready to give it that much time and energy.  However, once I started I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.  I'm not sure how others approach their work but I become quite obsessed with my work and it consumes me completely until finished.  When I'm on a writing project, it is all I can think about, day and night.  I neglect other things like meeting with friends for dinner or participating in costume contests for Halloween, thought I enjoy them both.  I cannot escape the grip of the project because I know that it's not complete.  In order to escape I must, like Medusa's snakey head, hide it away being sure not to look at it in fear of turning in a stone figure at my desk.

Thankfully, I am really enjoying the rewrite on my novel.  I had forgotten much of it so it was almost like reading it for the first time.  I am amazed at how much I have developed my writing skills over the years and how lively I can turn a scene into.  Yes, it is consuming me but I'm enjoying it so I don't feel neglectful or overwhelmed.  And, no, I haven't turned into stone either.  I have answered two phone calls out of twenty-three over the last three days!  I'll have to eventually listen to my messages but for now, they can wait!

Rewrite Time!

After struggling yesterday as to whether or not I would accept a potential contract for my book 101 Behaviors a Guy Needs to Understand about His Woman!...I decided to revisit a novel I had written two and a half years ago.  I have learned a great deal over these past two years about writing and it showed as I read and began editing, again.  I wanted to bring the story from a third person account to a first person account and quickly discovered that I was making several changes to the first ten pages.  Then, I was committed.  With more than a hundred thousand words to go through, as many of you writers know, once you start a project it is difficult to walk away from it.  Today, I have cleared my entire schedule to focus on nothing but rewriting my novel. 

The funny think about my Novel, The Unleashing, is that when I originally wrote it, I did so in four short weeks.  Mainly because the storyline was already played out in my head and the emotions were real emotions of a situation that I had experienced a few years before.  That was something that I have learned over the past two years about writing.  When the writer can identify with the story, being close to home, the content is written with more passion and detail.  Now, two years later, I am witnessing my development in writing and watching my story come to life even more.  I like this story about a single man who begins making progress towards success and reaching his dreams when he meets the love of his life, so he believes.  After having a child, he realizes his true calling of being a father and is devoted to being the best husband and father he can be, unlike his own dad.  Without warning, his wife leaves him while her family hides their son from him and he is left to deal with the overwhelming emotions of having his life violated traumatically.  As he fights the courts to maintain his rights of fatherhood, the battle intensifies between him and his now ex-wfie's family who is cultish by religous standards.  Don't want to tell too much just yet but it's a good one!  Back to rewriting!

Feel the Energy!

Today is a fantastic day.  I can feel the energy all around and cannot wait to get to writing.  I'll share that yesterday I received an offer to print a book I wrote earlier in the year and had all but forgotten about since I began marketing my most recent one.  The book is titled, "101 Behaviors a Guy Needs to Understand About His Woman!  P.S. It will make your life easier and her love for you greater!"  I give 101 tiny situations that many relationships experience, (from dating, P.M.S., in front of friends, marriage, around family, and more) and offer men tips on how to best handle the behavior exhibited by the woman of his dreams, especially when he just doesn't get it.  It's a fun read for couples and should be taken that way!

This contract is a boost I desperately needed and I can feel the change happening already.  I do not feel completely secure about the publisher but it's my first book and I would love to get it out of the way and use it as a stepping stone to establish  more credentials.  Plus, I would love to show it to my mother so she could finally believe in me a little more.  I want her to be proud of me and stop thinking I'm foolish to follow my dreams.  Truthfully, I think she just worries about my 'starving artist' lifestyle but I don't mind it.  Outside of not having much food, I like my beard and lack of knowing what is going to happen next.  Only now however, I know that there is a publisher who is interested in MY work and I will embrace the joy that comes with it!!  I still believe I would feel more secure having an agent watch out for me in this industry, I am excited and should be.  Agents obviously know much more than I do but then again, how would I know which agent is right for me?  It's all about establishing a good relationship.  Besides, I don't mind marketing my own work.  Hell, I'm proud of it!  Tee-shirt anyone?

Changing Seasons!

I took off from writing on Sunday to enjoy the cooler Texas weather.  Finally, a break from heated humidity and a chance to witness the leaves rustling in the wind.  I like to think of Sunday's as my day of rest and a time to recooperate from a tedious week of wonder and worry.  Almost like physical exercise, it allows me to recover from exercising my mind and face Monday with a fresh start.  Today, Monday, I am not feeling as fresh as I would like.  My email held in it one more rejection.  To offset my early morning dissappointment, I quickly flipped through the pages of my Guide to Literary Agents and sent off two more proposals to random agents who support my genre.  With a "take that" attitude, as I slammed my finger down on the 'enter' tab of my keyboard, I almost felt vindicated but frustrated still. 

I am not from a wealthy home with tons of support and contacts.  Most people on this earth do not even know that I exist yet I believe in myself enough to not let that stand in my way.  My life is a quiet life, having never been one to need much socialization.  I guess I am more of a loner whose mind is occupied with great ideas and a heartfelt desire to help others.  In my twenty years as a professional counselor, I never cared about the money but only being able to help someone get through the present day hurdle they were facing.  It was always my belief that if I could positively influence someone today, their tomorrow wouldn't seem as negative.  Now, as I try to help people through my writing, wanting to reach a larger audience, I wish I had more contacts to make the process a bit easier.  Then again, I will embrace the process of getting published, including the continuous days of frustration and feeling like a failure, because I know that when my books reach the shelves of stores it will all be worth it!  I am following my own counsel.  Even as winter approaches, my heart is still warm!

Saturday Storms!

I was supposed to go on a hike today to get away from the stress of looking at my email, waiting for an agent to reply positively.  When I rolled out of bed the sky was gray.  Within an hour it was raining and suddenly tornado warnings blared through the howling wind.  Soon, trees were toppling over and hail began to pour down on my porch.  I stepped outside to look into the moving clouds and it was cold.  Sirens continued roaring as I watched the hovering white moisture turn circles and become ever thick and scary.  I withdrew into my third floor apartment and slipped on my flip-flops.  As I hustled down the stairwell and out to my car, the sky was black but I didn't mind.  This was a perfectly good excuse to skip the hike and head to the gym for a workout.  At least, at the gym, there is a downstairs that I could run to just in case a tornado did touch down.  Instead of waiting to see what would happen outside, I focused on doing something healthy inside.  It was a good workout and the sky is still crying upon idling souls.

My horoscope said that I should do what I want to today and relax.  I agreed.  This past week was strenuous with no new news of my getting signed by an agent.  Yesterday, I wrote an article and sent it off to three major U.S. newspapers with the hope that someone would read it and want to print it.  I still haven't received my first "by-line" which makes it even tougher for me to validate my writing.  I am a good writer though I just need someone in the business to confirm it.  Then, I will be able to prove to my mother that all of my dreams are coming true and she will better understand why I left home at the age of 17.  I knew I was different than my family of origin and it is safe to say that they don't quite get me.  They don't understand my dreams because they are far different than my upbringing and what they know.  As the first to graduate college, and with a few degrees, my family and I see life differently and I want more than what they were able to teach me.  I am not better than they are but I am more driven to do the things that I dream about doing.  Writing is my life because I have so much to say and guidance to offer people who are suffering.  I believe in myself and I guess, for now, that's really all I need but it would be so much sweeter if an agent believed in me too!

Today's storm reminds me that the weather can change rather quickly and so can my representation status.  Just because it is cloudy today doesn't mean it will be cloudy tomorrow!  I'm going to breakthrough this week and find a more positive outlook on this process.  My excitement is overwhelming and I shouldn't worry about rejections.  Failure is the door leading to success as long as I keep walking forward!

Permission to Sail!

This morning was a slow start as I lay in bed just imagining what it would feel like when an agent would finally contact me and want to represent my book Think Good, Feel Good, Live Good: Overcoming Traumatic Situations in Life!  I admit, just thinking about it made me smile some and just as quick I was over-powered with self-defeating thoughts such as, "Who am I that someone would publish me?" and, "What do I have to offer that truly can help another person who doesn't even know me?"  and a few more that I will omit from this post.  Then, I remembered a poem I had written a while back that I will share with you now:

Permission to Sail

Shall I ignore my heart today,

To avoid tomorrow’s sorrow, or

Consent to the feelings uprising,

Ready to set sail, or shall I leave

The masts unaccompanied, vacant

And alone, feeling the winds of

Change passing by; Too long, my

Heart has remained docked, tied

Down and anchored, only wishing,

Waiting for a just breeze, tired of

Watching the others as they turn

Aft and bow into the rolling sea,

Disappearing o’er the horizon,

Guided only by the catch, of

When sails and winds meet; The

Sea-sons may turn, often without

Warning, lofting gales upon drifting

Hearts, or allowing smooth crossings,

Uninterrupted, continuing to feed the

Sheets, to carry the ship along,

Though such matters weigh not on

The captain’s mind, as the thrill of

Being asea, wetting the hull, today,

Of consenting to the winds, when

They beckon, far outweighs the

Sorrow that may come, if it

Arrives at all.

So, without further ado, I am giving myself permission to sail onward and to face what may come my way.  Whether dread, sorrow, courage, or success, I would never know unless I turn towards the open sea!  Good day mates!

Finger Crossing

Last night I went to bed telling a friend that I had my fingers crossed that tomorrow would bring good news in my progress of getting published.  So, when I woke this morning, I made some coffee and stared at my computer hoping I hadn't jinxed myself.  I just stared.  I think I even squinted for a minute or two as it sat on my desk still closed.  My own computer has no idea how much power it possesses over my life.  I knew if I opened it I would be committed to finding out whether or not I received the good news that my crossed fingers promised me.  I took a long sip of my Sumatra with cream and inhaled the aroma of this Indonesian blend.  Just like Sumatra, I felt like an island trapped between two oceans.  Good news means progress while no news means nothing new.  If that wasn't a bit of intelligence I don't know what is.  Oh well, I need to open it sooner or later.  Another sip followed by a long sigh and my fingers reached down to lift the lid on how the rest of my day would feel. 

In my email was another rejection but only this time there was a referral within the message.  That's never happened before.  The agent thought of another agent that might be interested in my book.  That's actually good news!  I put my coffee down and felt a sense of happiness and progress.  I typed a quick 'thank-you' reply to the agent who rejected me.  I never knew whether or not agents like that kind of thing.  Then, I typed up a new email with the referred agents address and attached my proposal with a small introduction in the email body.  I was sure to add that I was 'referred' by agent number 1.  Just writing that actually made me feel pretty good too.  I like this finger crossing thing.  Tonight, maybe I'll even cross my toes.

Today's Frustrations

This morning I woke up and went directly to my email, looking for signs of hope from query letters and a proposal that I just sent out yesterday.  I realize that my enthusiasm is a bit overdone but I need something, a good reply maybe, that affirms my ability to write something well.  My most recent book: Think Good, Feel Good, Live Good: Overcoming Traumatic Situations in Life! was completed more than a month ago.  Since that time, I have been formulating query letters and expressing them via email to potential agents who claim to handle topics such as mine.  I was sure to research agent's websites to double-check the Writer's Market suggestions of agents and have sent off possibly too many queries.  What can I say?  I'm ambitious.  Only a third have responded with polite rejections but at least I know they received my plea for publishing. 

As I continue trying to break into this prestiges field of writing, I find myself quarreling with my passion to write and publish a good work with the stress of realism and ever amassing bills.  I know I can do this and I know that my book is worthy of being read by the more than 100,000 people who suffer trauma annually.  Maybe, I need to find an agent that has suffered through trauma so they can easily identify with my book's empowering content.  Maybe, for those who have already read my book out of interest, they will know someone and recommend me.  Maybe, I shouldn't worry about this any longer and continue on to write my next book, A Tree without Leaves: Discovering who you really are if the world's influences weren't there! 

Oh well, I'll keep checking to see if I get a good response later today.  Until then, I hope the article I sent to the New York Times will be accepted.  The world needs to know the truth about the devestation America causes by limiting a father's access to their children just because they are behind on child suppport.  At least, I believe they do!  With the holidays coming up, the government should bailout fathers and allow them to spend quality time with their kids.  It wouldn't cost them a dime but, oh right, automobiles are more important!

Remember, walk through the storm!